Lord, I wish you were real. Not that you are fake, but I wish you were really flesh and blood and beside me. How selfish am I that I desire to see you and embrace you? Why is my soul so upset within me? Why do I long for the fleshly things of this earth? People say you need another to be happy, but you say all we need is you. Lord, I am having a really hard time right now in my life. I want to give my love to someone wholly and completely. But the people I desire, they are either not good for me or not even interested at all. I wish I had more friends, I wish I could do more things. What am I supposed to do Lord?!! WHAT?!! Why do I even ask for direction from you? When I am most sad or most alone I don’t have any hint of you. Where are you Lord? That piece I wrote today, it was really about me and about you. That’s what I hope you are doing with me. But it was also about her. Please Lord. Help me turn my face towards you. These people on this earth. I don’t want them. They are terrible and they hurt my heart so much. I can’t fix them. I can’t help them. But I feel like I am so alone. So alone. I give too much of myself to other people. People who are not my real friends. People who don’t really care about me. How do you do it Lord? How do you feel so complete all the time? Why can’t I?! Why can’t I feel whole and satisfied? I will praise you anyways. Like the absurd person I am. Thank you Lord. For everything in my life. I feel hurt so deeply Lord. Why did I give myself to that girl? WHY?!! What is wrong with me!? I hope so much that you can soften her heart. I hope she finds someone who will really be good to her. I don’t understand her. Is she hurting? Is she broken? I can’t see her heart. I barely know her story. Lord please help me! Please! I hurt so bad I want to die or atleast do something so that my heart stops hurting. Lord, my heart longs for Joy. For that physical comfort from her. Her soothing me and holding me and telling me things would work out. Lord I have become ruled by my flesh. Please help me grow in the spirit. Please please please give me discernment to see people for who and what they are immediately and whether or not they will help me glorify you or take me farther away from you. Please help me to also be strong and know when to cut someone out of my life. Please help me find good friends. Help me to be a better person. I want to see you Lord. I want to know your face. I want to see you Lord. More and more.
You know the Lord is real in your heart of hearts. Not only that you have had evidence of him in your life through circumstances. That day that you wrote in your journal how you wanted to just hug the Lord, and the next Sunday you went to church a woman you had never met, at a church you had never been to called you to the alter and wrapped her arms around you and gave you a big hug. She told you she was standing in for God. God hears you. God loves you. SO MUCH! That piece you wrote today. That heart breaking piece you wrote today, that was your spirit talking to you. That was God saying that he sees you in your brokenness he is watching and looking after you. Turn your face, turn your heart, turn your eyes upon Jesus. He is with you waiting and watching, loving and caring. Sweetie, you don’t need anyone else in your life. You have wonderful people right at your fingertips. As far as the ones who have hurt you. The ones who have broken your spirit. I am sorry for those people. I am sorry that they hurt you and abused your kindness and generosity. Do not try and get back at them. In many cases it is best to just let them go. You work so hard trying to impress people and go above and beyond for other people who have never once nor ever will have any intentions of doing the same for you. You have the power of discernment within you. You saw these people for what they were right from the start, but you ignored it because you wanted people to like you and you hoped they were better and you didn’t want to judge them hastily. You thought if you showed off enough, or entertained them or flattered them enough they would take notice. PLEASE! Stop trying so hard. You are running yourself ragged trying to get people to like you. Look to the Lord. If you want to see his face stop trying to chase after people who aren’t your friends. Stop running after people who are on a different path than you. Also, just because you are on a different path does not mean you should look down on other people, you have your own problems to tend to and your own journey to walk and grow in. Stay humble. GET YO ASS IN THE WORD! You care deeply for other people and really try to get the whole picture about someone, and that is admirable and generous. Sometimes though, you really need to listen to that soft pull of the spirit guiding you. I know it feels hasty and you love to give second, third, fourth, and infinite chances to people, but if you are going to do that you need to also learn how to emotionally uninvest in people. Right now, your spirit and your self are broken. You need to tend to yourself first and look to God so that you can grow and really help others.
Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.