Thinking of her

I dunno why, but my heart is stuck on her. What do I see in her that I am so enamored with? I feel like she has hidden potential and I hope she has a good heart. I see hints of that from time to time. But there is also distance, and uncertainty with her. She is a really beautiful woman and has the capacity to be with whomever she wants. She is a master at the social game of reeling people in and entertaining them. I enjoy her spirit of adventure and her lively persona, but I really want to know what is behind that happy party mask of hers. The real Leanne. Scars, hurts, fears, and all. She opened up to me a few nights ago, but sort of retreated afterwards. Some of that may be my fault. I really want to know what is on her mind and in her heart. What her ambitions are and how she likes to be treated. What she likes to do for fun. What touches her heart. What makes her cry and what makes her happy. I care for her so much! So much more than I should for how little time I have known her. I guess I find her intriguing because I hope she is a puzzle to unlock with a lovely pearl inside as a prize. Who is she? What is she really about? What is her end game? Does she even know? Do I even know what I want from her? I think it is just as important for me to step back and figure out the answers to those questions towards her before I get lost in my imagination. I am trying to proceed with wisdom and patience, but everything within me wants to drop everything and be there for her no matter the task or situation. Stop. Drop. And Leanne. I wonder though, if I haven’t become that awkward friend that is very kind and generous, but is in truth highly annoying because you are not attracted to them the same way they are to you. That person you automatically gloss over and friend-zone, because you feel they are too good for you, but you don’t want to lose them as a friend because you value their kindness. I also feel deeply for her and I am still trying to forgive myself for letting her down a few days ago and not following through with a favor I offered to do for her. I had hoped I could offer her a place to stay for a few nights, but that fell through as well. At the same time, I am cautious to provide all my heart to her so readily and so quickly. I have no promise or evidence from knowing her for a long time to suggest I can rely on her word or even rely on her for emotional support. What if I invest everything in her and she decides that she is no longer interested or no longer needs me and goes off with someone else? I’m not sure that is really even a relevant question or concern in the first place as we are not currently dating. Plus, I don’t know that she would do that, as she seems to value people very much who invest in her and desires to pay them back two-fold, but the thought has crossed the back of my mind. There is also the thing with her having told me she values me more as a friend, but she may have just said that because a creepy person was reading my messages to her over her shoulder. Or maybe she isn’t sure she can trust me at the moment. Which is also a valid concern. I think, and I hope at her core she is a very deep-hearted, loving person. I know she has been severely heartbroken in the past, and cared very very deeply for the people she was with. You know, she may be proceeding with caution just as much as I am or perhaps have the same fears or concerns that I do. Maybe she has others fears with me, too. I wish I could promise her that I will never hurt her, but I don’t see how that is a decent promise to make to someone. I feel like a statement like that is kinda like you break that promise once and alot of trust dissolves. Also, there are bound to be conflicts and disappointments in any relationship, so it seems to me a false security to give someone.  It sounds nice and gives the other person warm fuzzies, but I think pain and heartache and disappointment are possible, or maybe even inevitable even in the healthiest and best relationships. I can promise, however, that whatever happens between us that I will do my best to be patient and understanding and work things out. But of course, if this woman asked me for the moon you better bet I’d be calling up NASA the next business day. Why am I so crazy about her? I have always felt like a bit of a hoe around women, but I don’t have the same sense of urgency with relationships with the opposite sex and rarely have. Is it some kind of desperate behavior? Am I broken? I remember back to my days dating the opposite sex, but were they really so different or do I just remember it a certain way through rose colored glasses? Hopefully in the coming days I can talk with her about my concerns, and perhaps a counselor, too. I feel like that would be a healthy thing to do as well. Maybe then I can develop some kind of direction about what personal boundaries to put in place. I think a thing to alleviate some of my concerns would be to put in place emotional boundaries to sort of safe-guard my heart a little. However I need to come up with a few ideas of what those might be, and then discuss them with her. Maybe she would feel better or safer if she set up some emotional boundaries of her own?


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